TNG:8 - The Parody 1:45 into the movie.... Scene: Deep in the heart of the newly formed Neutral Zone. Tension has increased between the Klingons and the Federation. Worf has again rejoined the Enterprise. Before the Enterprise can re-enter Federation space, Three Klingon Battle Cruisers engage in deadly combat. Picard is at the Captain's chair. The rest of the staff is properly placed. Smoke fills the bridge. The Klingon Battle Cruisers are placed in front of the Enterprise, hardly scratched. Enter Wusley. (Time hole opens on the bridge) Wusley: Hi guys :) Hi Commander Riker!!! I really missed you all. Riker: (turns to Troi) I thought the Klingons fought with honor! Troi: They have now resorted to the most disgraceful tactic in the known galaxy. Cloning Wusleys. Wusley: But I'm not a clone. I've just been kicked off Voyager. They said I had to come back here, or I would be thrown out of the air lock. Picard: I always hated that Janeway bitch! Worf : (to Picard) Shield's failing Sir! Picard: Recommendations? Data: By my calculations Sir, Wusleys obnoxious attitude should be able to sustain three phaser hits from the Klingons allowing us exactly 6.3 seconds to have Geordi fix the warp nacelles. Wusley: (Whiny voice) But guys, I wouldn't survive the vacuum. The entire crew in unison: EXACTLY! Suddenly another explosion rocks the ship. The generic character manning the navigational panel is thrown to the ground in a shower of sparks. Quite dead. Picard: Mr. Crusher, take the comm (rest of cast moans) Picard: (To himself) in case it explodes again. Wusley: (whiny, of course) But Captain, isn't that dangerous? The entire crew in unison: EXACTLY! Wusley moves to comm. Worf: (To Picard) Sir, Klingon Bird of Prey de-cloaking off our port bow. Picard: (To Wusley) Set a course. Heading: 389 by 276 by 37 by 2896 by 542 by 6437.5 by 9 and 3/4's and 2 feet to the left, hut hut hike!! Wusley: (still whining) But Captain, that'll take us right in the heart of the nebula. Troi: (Fuming, jumps over to navigation, bitch-slaps Wusley. Turning to the rest of the crew) You assholes think you have it so bad. I have to read this pencil-dicked pre-pubescent JC Penny bargain-basement lingerie special drooling pervert's mind. Riker: (to Troi) My god, Deanna can you stand it!!!! Worf: (to himself) Klingon pain sticks cannot inflict such punishment. (to Troi) You are indeed worthy to be a warrior. Wusley: (Whimpering on the floor) Suddenly - the turbo-lift doors open. In comes Beverly Crusher. Beverly: There were reports of casualties. Is anyone on the bridge injured. Picard: Well, former ensign Crusher's been Bitch-slapped. Beverly: Oh. There's no real casualties then. (She turns and exits out the turbo-lift.) Wusley: Mooooommy. Riker: Shut the hell up! Worf: (To Picard) Shield's have failed Sir! Picard: Time to rethink the "strapping Wusley to the ship" plan. Geordi: (Over comm) Captain, the warp core just went off-line. Picard: Damn cheap net provider. Guinan: (Over comm) Captain. We're out of Earl Grey. Picard: Damn, can it get any worse! Beverly: (Over comm) Captain, come down here right away. Spot's having kittens!! Wusley: Oh boy! Can I watch! Entire crew in unison: Shut the hell up! Picard: I really miss the Borg. Picard: Crew, the shields are down, the warp-core is about to breach, we're out of Earl Grey, and someone needs to get that JC Penny catalog away from Wusley. I need suggestions and I need them now. Riker: We could eject the warp-core. Picard: No, too easy. Troi: We could eject Wusley. Picard: No, Good, but the transporters are down too. Data: By my calculations, I have noticed an increased number of proteon particles that have fused to Wusley's brain during his travels with his pajama-wearing boyfriend... Wusley: (in shock) Who told??? Data: ...that if we transport him into the warp-core it would not only stop the core breach but would also give us additional power to the forward phasers and shields. Picard: I think that's the only plan that will keep our ratings up. But what about the transporters being down? Wusley: (ecstatic about being used) It's OK guys, I can create a vortex into the warp-core and transport directly there. With that, a hole in the space/time continuum opens and Wusley is sucked into what looks like the inside of a breaching warp-core. Riker: My God, I can't believe he fell for it!! Troi sits down. She looks as if the entire world has been lifted from her shoulders. Picard: Computer - End program! Credits roll - and we ask you the viewing audience, is Wusley dead? Was it even the real Wusley? And is Wusley descended from tribbles? These and other questions will be answered in the Next Generation Movie III. (Can't you wait???)